Light Bulb

Hello again friends. Just some quick updates in the life of me. I'm back at work three nights a week. Working overnights is rough but Joe usually let's me sleep since he doesn't go to work till one. So far so good. But by the time it's Friday I'm pretty tired. I wish I had more time to blog but try to find the time when I can. I wanted to write this current blog weeks ago but better late than never.

I've recently decided to join weight watchers again. The first time I joined just to get the stuff to learn how to do it. I never went to meetings as I was a full time college student and working almost full time. Whenever there was a meeting I either had class or work so meetings weren't really an option. I also didn't think that I needed them. Tomorrow will be my fourth meeting since rejoining and I actually enjoy them. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Allow me to backtrack.

My past attempts at weight watchers (ww for short) went well but I clearly fell off the wagon a few times. Usually when I would get down to 22 points a day I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was starving and just quit. Or I thought I knew it all and would slack on keeping track of my points. But I decided to rejoin mainly because with baby I don't have time to hit the gym or zumba like I used to. I actually enjoy working out but my eating has never been in control.

Reading the scale has been just embarrassing. There was a time in my life that I could proudly say I lost over 60 pounds on my own. I kept it off for years and swore I would never go back to that weight. But here I am having gained almost all of it back. I also can't help but feel like a failure. I was a success story but now I'm where I started and it sucks. For a long time I was in denial about how much weight I had gained since I put it on slowly. But the scale and my too small clothes don't lie. But what really made me notice was pictures. I would look at pictures of me and think, 'what the hell happened? Am I really that fat?'

So let's go back to me rejoining ww. At my first meeting the lady said something that really stuck with me and has given me so much motivation. The topic was what food is worthy. Basically they want you to eat what you like. Use your points only on what you deem worthy. The statement, "we don't want you to anything that you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life." just clicked with me. I had a rhetorical light bulb over my head. It just made so much sense to me. Realistically I won't give up all junk food. To say that I will never eat pizza or ice cream ever again is ridiculous. I just don't need to go on constant binders.

Before during all my other dieting attempts I would say, "oh I can't have that now." But I just need to realize that I can have it sometimes. I shouldn't feel deprived. And I don't. It's still an adjustment though. I can have a Mt. Dew sometimes, but I don't need one everyday. I would also get frustrated if I screwed up and ate something that was a bad choice. I basically had a screw it attitude and then just ate crap the rest of the day because my points had already gone to hell. Now I just need to not beat myself up over one bad decision.

The hardest part for me will be finding new ways to cope with stress. Food is the one thing I go to when things don't go my way. It should not be my comfort. I really don't have an answer for this but hopefully can figure it out. The good thing is my work is not that stressful and I don't come home wanting to ravage the fridge.

My biggest motivation is Grayson. He deserves the best mom that I can be. I don't want to be a fat, lazy mom that can't play with her kids. I also want this lifestyle change so that our kids don't grow up fat. The thought of him going through what I did is heartbreaking to me. I try to tell myself to think of him whenever I want sweets. I love him more than cookies but damn it if they don't taste delicious.

I know it will take time but I know I can do this. I've done it once I can do it again. And I want it to be for good this time. I don't want to rejoin five years from now back here again. I've lost almost 8 pounds so far. It's a good start on what I hope will be an amazing journey.