So as most of you may know this year has started out a little rough. In fact I have given this year the name, "Shitstorm 2011". I think it's quite catchy but you can decide for yourself. This year has included lost jobs, strange illnesses, hospital visits/bills, financial troubles, and dumb landlords. Well a shitstorm wouldn't be complete without a family tragedy thrown in now would it?
My stepdad passed away early Thursday morning. They put him on the ventilator to do the doctors performing a biopsy on his lungs. And as feared he wasn't able to get off the ventilator. I hope you have a tissue handy just in case. The first 5 days on it he was unconscious. Then after that he woke up and was able to write things. My mom wasn't there when he first woke up but all his kids were. The first thing he wrote was "tell Kaye I love her very very much" then, "You kids are the best in the world." After that it got harder to read. The next thing he wrote was something about taking good care of the kids. I think he was trying to say take care of the grandkids. The fourth page was scribbles. The big problem w/him being awake was that he would eventually have a hard time breathing and have to be knocked out again. But he woke up in spurts. And when he did wake up he usually would cry and want to try and write but wasn't able to. After my mom fianlly got there that day he started crying when he saw her walk in the room. At one point I held his hand while sleeping. He woke up and started crying when he saw me too. (I told you, you may need a tissue) The next day he was only able to write one word which was "dog". I think he wanted to see his dog before he went.
But what led to the decision to take off the ventialtor was even when he was asleep he was having trouble breathing. Ultimately, they had to decide that it was better for him to go peacefully. My mom called me about 10:45 pm on Wednesday night to say they were taking him off and going to let him pass. Joe and I drove down to the hospital. My mom, step siblings and grandparents were there. They basically sedated him enough that he was asleep and wouldn't wake up once the ventialtor was pulled out. We all thought it would take about 5 or 10 minutes for him to pass but it took over an hour. He basically layed there sleeping and trying to breathe. Then his heart slowly stopped beating. Talk about an emotional week.
My Mom and Rick were married about 17 years. Even now it's just weird that he's gone. I knew he was sick and probably wouldn't live to be 90 or anything, but I thought he at least had a few years left in him. I thought he would at least see some of his grandkids become teenagers. The worst part of it was seeing my mom so sad. I think she's doing better now because he's not suffering anymore and she did have time to prepare herself. My niece Quianah (pronounced Kiana, or just kiki) is four years old and was Grandpa's girl. The next day everyone was at my mom's house and in the kitchen she said to herself "I want my Papa." Later that day she started crying and told my mom how much she missed him. That also tore my heart out because she's such a sweet little girl and has such a sweet voice. Oh and the next day she said that she wants to die so she can see Papa.
His services will be later this week. I'm grateful that my mom has a lot of support as well. RIP Rick, we will miss you.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I Can't Think of a Title.
I realize lately that I have been a Debbie Downer but am really trying to get out of the rut. But life seems to like to be difficult lately.
This last week has been stressful. My stepdad, Rick has been in the hospital since last Wednesday and was moved to the ICU the next day. Hospital stays aren't unusual for him but going to the ICU is. He basically can't breathe without the oxygen. He also has something on his lungs that has a crystal like appearance on his X-ray. To know what he has and somewhat how to treat it they need to do a biopsy. The problem is that they didn't think he was strong enough to survive it. They could put him on a ventilator but he wouldn't be able to talk or anything. There is also the risk of him not being strong enough to come off of it once he is on it. And you can't live on a ventilator forever so eventually someone will have to make some big decisions if you know what I mean. I talked to my mom today and she said he was doing a little better but no real news on if this biopsy was happening or when.
I hate seeing my mom stressed out and/or upset. But I think for the most part she is doing fairly well. Other than a few crying phone calls she has held it together fairly well. My Grandpa Jerry also had a hospital stay last week for some chest pains but got to go home the next day and is doing fine. But not really what my mom needed on top of everything else. I have been going over to their house to let the dogs out and spend some time with them. The dogs are used to having someone home all day with them so they are missing their Daddy lots. My mom told me she was showing Rick some photos of the kids and there was some pictures of Sadie, his dog. He got emotional as he is also missing his dog. I would include a picture but am at work and don't have access to one.
I really did have lots of funny things to write about but they just don't feel approprite right now. I have been watching Ally Mcbeal on netflix and had a whole critique I wanted to write but it will have to wait. I also made my first attempt at planting flowers last weekend so we'll see how that venture turns out. Oh and I'm still pretty much a red hot mess most of the day but am working on it. Umm let's see...I am finally getting a radio in my car after about three years of driving around with nothing so I'm pretty excited about it.
Alright, so I'm about to totally switch gears here. Out of nowhere (well within the last couple of months) I have suddenly developed baby fever. And I am the last person to think I would suffer from that. This also couldn't come at a more inconvenient time. I know that everyone says that if you wait till you can afford them then you will never have them. But we are broke as shit and it would just be stupid to have a child that we can't provide for. And when Joe goes back to school he won't have time for a new baby or be able to miss any time. But I also wanted to have at least one by the time I was thirty. And Joe will be in school about three years. I'm twenty-seven now and will be thirty in three years. It just kind of snuck up on me this dreaded thirtieth birthday. Part of me feels like we should just do it because there never really is a perfect time and you can't plan for everything but all logic tells me that is stupid. But my heart is telling me something else. Unfortunately, my heart isn't a good enough of a reason to convince Joe. Which is probably a good thing I guess. I also don't want to wait too long and not be able to have them or be an "old" mom. Lately it's all I think about and it's making me crazy. Maybe if I went back to working 60 hours a week and feeling like a zombie all the time these feelings will just go away. Or I could just eat these feelings away like I do with every other bad feeling...oh wait that's right I already do. Or at least the last couple days.
Sorry if I don't make much sense or have horrible proofreading but it is 4Am and no ones brain works the best at that time.
This last week has been stressful. My stepdad, Rick has been in the hospital since last Wednesday and was moved to the ICU the next day. Hospital stays aren't unusual for him but going to the ICU is. He basically can't breathe without the oxygen. He also has something on his lungs that has a crystal like appearance on his X-ray. To know what he has and somewhat how to treat it they need to do a biopsy. The problem is that they didn't think he was strong enough to survive it. They could put him on a ventilator but he wouldn't be able to talk or anything. There is also the risk of him not being strong enough to come off of it once he is on it. And you can't live on a ventilator forever so eventually someone will have to make some big decisions if you know what I mean. I talked to my mom today and she said he was doing a little better but no real news on if this biopsy was happening or when.
I hate seeing my mom stressed out and/or upset. But I think for the most part she is doing fairly well. Other than a few crying phone calls she has held it together fairly well. My Grandpa Jerry also had a hospital stay last week for some chest pains but got to go home the next day and is doing fine. But not really what my mom needed on top of everything else. I have been going over to their house to let the dogs out and spend some time with them. The dogs are used to having someone home all day with them so they are missing their Daddy lots. My mom told me she was showing Rick some photos of the kids and there was some pictures of Sadie, his dog. He got emotional as he is also missing his dog. I would include a picture but am at work and don't have access to one.
I really did have lots of funny things to write about but they just don't feel approprite right now. I have been watching Ally Mcbeal on netflix and had a whole critique I wanted to write but it will have to wait. I also made my first attempt at planting flowers last weekend so we'll see how that venture turns out. Oh and I'm still pretty much a red hot mess most of the day but am working on it. Umm let's see...I am finally getting a radio in my car after about three years of driving around with nothing so I'm pretty excited about it.
Alright, so I'm about to totally switch gears here. Out of nowhere (well within the last couple of months) I have suddenly developed baby fever. And I am the last person to think I would suffer from that. This also couldn't come at a more inconvenient time. I know that everyone says that if you wait till you can afford them then you will never have them. But we are broke as shit and it would just be stupid to have a child that we can't provide for. And when Joe goes back to school he won't have time for a new baby or be able to miss any time. But I also wanted to have at least one by the time I was thirty. And Joe will be in school about three years. I'm twenty-seven now and will be thirty in three years. It just kind of snuck up on me this dreaded thirtieth birthday. Part of me feels like we should just do it because there never really is a perfect time and you can't plan for everything but all logic tells me that is stupid. But my heart is telling me something else. Unfortunately, my heart isn't a good enough of a reason to convince Joe. Which is probably a good thing I guess. I also don't want to wait too long and not be able to have them or be an "old" mom. Lately it's all I think about and it's making me crazy. Maybe if I went back to working 60 hours a week and feeling like a zombie all the time these feelings will just go away. Or I could just eat these feelings away like I do with every other bad feeling...oh wait that's right I already do. Or at least the last couple days.
Sorry if I don't make much sense or have horrible proofreading but it is 4Am and no ones brain works the best at that time.
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