Expectations

So I know when I update this thing I try to be at least a little funny. There are other things that I could talk about that would be more fun but not today. I also plan on writing a blog with before and after photos depicting the process of putting the babies room together. I have before pictures when it was getting close to hoarders status so look forward to that! But there has just been so much on my mind that I don't quite know how to get it out other than write about it. So I guess I'm kind of being serious(ish).

I have been reading a book titled "It's a Boy" courtesy of Mandy for my birthday/early shower gift. I'm about halfway through it and have found it very interesting. It's basically a collection of stories and experiences of mothers with sons. The author decided to write the book based on other peoples reactions after she found out she was having a boy. It was similar to my own as she also didn't really want a boy but saw herself with another girl. Something that struck me was when her daughter was having a toddler fit a nurse said, "Boys don't have tantrums like this, you'll see." Umm what?? Yeah actually they do. Toddlers have tantrums regardless of gender. I may not have kids but have been around enough and worked with enough to know they do.

One other thing I found interesting is how many women talked about their expectations with their children. Not just with what gender they wanted but how their child would and should be. They saw themselves doing things with their kids that they enjoyed and expected their kids to be just like them. Then were later shocked and puzzled when their kids turned out to be their own person and not into what they were into. Which isn't to unrealistic really. I mean their our kids we would assume that they would be a little bit like us right? But this is not always the case.

I remember as a teenager my dad asking me, "Why don't you like anything that I like?" I don't recall how I responded but remember thinking, "Umm am I supposed to?" I mean are a middle aged man and a teenage girl supposed to have lots of things in common? I don't know. I have pretty much been an alien my whole life and never really fit anywhere. I was always too something or not enough of something else to really fit in anywhere. Even with my own family I was the black sheep that was just out of place.

As I was reading I realized that I too had expectations for my future child. I mean I wanted a girl so bad because I saw us having tea parties and playing with dolls, and painting our nails. But even if I had a girl she may have had no interest in those things. And who knows, maybe Grayson will want his nails painted instead. I felt really foolish and ashamed later on. I always swore that when I had kids I would never make them feel bad about who they were. I remember as a kid how other adults always made me feel bad about just being who I was. (I'll leave names out of it but I would like to clarify that it was never my parents even if they totally didn't get me at times.) Seemingly innocent comments like, "why don't you like this..Why don't you do this?...How come you do that?" really hurt my feelings and made me feel like there was something wrong with me. And whenever I tried to please someone else and be what they thought I should be I was still miserable. And I was soo fake. Yep fake as hell and miserable trying to keep up an act that just wasn't working for anyone. I soon discovered that trying to be "good enough" for someone else never worked out. Because you can never please everyone anyway. So why bother?

I guess the only expectation that I really have for Grayson is that he's not an asshole. And he's happy and healthy. I want to encourage him to try new things but not force him into things that just aren't right for him. I remember when Rupaul had a talk show in the late 90's. (Back to drag queens again sorry) At the end of every episode she would say her catch phrase, "If you can't learn to love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" At the time it really struck me as I didn't even like myself let alone love myself. Unfortunately it only took me about 15 more years to figure out what that really meant. But better late than never I guess.

My expectations about bringing the baby home change daily. I go from being happy, excited, nervous, to being completely terrified. I'm afraid I won't feed him enough or wrap him the right way, or what if he smoother s himself. Or what if I just suck at being a mom? I joined this moms group on facebook which I enjoy sometimes. Other times I am completely over people talking about breast milk and constipation. Maybe I'll find these things more interesting when I actually am a mom...but I doubt it.

Now I'm about to get brutally honest for a minute. My biggest fear is what if I get post partum depression or something. Some might think it's silly but for someone who has dealt with bouts of depression it's a serious fear.

And the most frustrating thing about dealing with depression is that people who haven't gone through it just don't get it. AT ALL. Never say to someone, "oh just walk it off" Or downplay it because it's just insulting. Don't you think if it were that easy we would? I don't really have an answer for how to deal with it as it's different for everyone. I have taken medication in the past and found it helpful. But for me it was and is a constant struggle. Some days you feel so weighed down that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. And it should be celebrated. The tricky thing about it is you may not even realize anything is wrong until later. I would compare it to someone who's swimming in a river with a current. You could be swimming along nicely and the next thing you know you're getting pulled under.

That being said. I have mostly good days since I recognize what works for me and what doesn't. So don't send me emails telling me what I should do or that I need to find Jesus or something. And I have no plans to go and jump off a bridge or anything like that. I don't sit in a room for hours like Howard Hughes and never come out. So relax. I also take comfort in knowing that I am not crazy and don't need to be so hard on myself. While doing research on my sarcoidosis I discovered that depression is a symptom. It may or may not be related but again it made me feel better knowing that I'm not totally nuts.

I also worry about other disastrous things happening but tell myself that I don't have control over the future and that all I need to do is relax and just take it one day at a time. I don't know if any of this made any sense but I tried. Hopefully I didn't ramble too much.

I know I will not be perfect but that's okay. I only can try to be the best mom that I can be. But I can only teach him how to like himself if I like myself and be a good example. As long as I stay true to me I will be fine. Because I rather like my ridiculous, sarcastic, foul mouthed, emotional self. And I never thought that I would say that. And it feels good to say. (:

Some of my random thoughts on things.

So once again I know it has been awhile since I've last updated. But I feel like I finally have enough to say to make it worth my time to update. Let's get right to it shall we...

So we found out that we are having a boy. I wasn't surprised since it was just a feeling I had. And I don't often get my way so I just knew it was going to be a boy. When the ultrasound lady told us I'm pretty sure she thought we were the worst parents ever as we had no reaction. Nope, none. We both just sat there with nothing to say. Joe just gave me a look as if to say, "sorry." And as we were checking out the receptionist said, "you really wanted a girl didn't you?" Was I horribly disappointed? Yes. I'd say it ranks as one of the big let down moments of my life.

That being said. Does that mean I'm disappointed now and don't love him?? No. A lot of people tried to make me feel like an asshole for just being honest. The first couple days I was sad but now I'm over it and can't wait to meet him. I feel I should explain why I wanted a girl so bad.

The first being that I have bias againts the male gender. They suck. 98% of them are slimy dirty disgusting pigs. If I hadn't met Joe I would have settled into a long life of spinsterhood simply because I can't stand most of them. But more importantly my due date is May 2nd. My Grandma Mae's birthday was May 1st. And if we had a girl her middle name would have been Mae. How perfect would it have been if she had been born on the first? I also have lots of things that were my moms that I played with (baby cradles etc) that I would have loved to pass down to her. I also had a bedroom theme picked out already. There were boy bedroom themes that were cute but nothing I really loved. My girl theme would have been hello kitty. My theme for Grayson is one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish from Dr. Seuss.

I also talked to many other mothers who felt the same way when not getting the gender they want so at least I know I'm not alone. I've also heard lots of people say that boys are so much easier and better and less drama. I guess I don't really see this as I grew up in a house where the boys were always causing drama and treating my mom like shit. So another reason having a boy stressed me out. But let's move on to other topics for awhile.

My biggest guilty pleasure is back on the air and I couldn't be more excited! Yep, Rupaul's drag race! For as long as I can remember I've had a fascination with drag queens. They just make the world more fun and sparkly. I don't have cable so I have to watch it on the internet after it initially airs. My friend Haley who lives in Ocean Shores is also a super fan. So whenever we watch we always text the other one. There are also many styles of drag. Campy, glamour, androgynous, and fishy. Fishy is when a queen is very pretty and can easily be mistaken for a real women. This is a pic of Tatianna from season 2.



This picture is hard to see but she's beautiful. And I'd kill for those legs. I was going to put up more but I hate putting pictures on here because it's a pain in the ass.

Alright I'll get back to baby stuff I guess. Binkis also know as pacifiers. I hate them. I guess I should say I hate them in the mouths of children that are too old for them. They are meant for infants not toddlers. Whenever I see a toddler with one I want to smack it out of their mouth. For God's sake people if your child is walking and almost talking take it away!!! You're making them look ridiculous. Actually they look stupid in infants too but more stupid with a toddler.

Then there's the topic of nursing. I personally find it disgusting and just weird. I have no desire to pump any liquid out of my body with a machine. Nor do I feel like whipping my breast out for my child. I can't get down with it. As soon as you say that you don't want to nurse the bandwagon is upon you telling you all the reasons you're a bad person if you don't. So I have decided that I will try it. My initial reasons being purely selfish though. It's free and it burns calories. But only for 6 months at the very most. I don't get people that nurse forever. It's sick really. If your kid has teeth....STOP!!!! It's not right. And if they're over a year old you're a freak. Like the binki it's for infants, not toddlers.

Let's see...there's really not a whole let of other things going on in my life. I've been sick for the last month is seems, so I haven't really left the house much. I plan on doing a blog about the before and after of getting Grayson's room finished. I have before pictures but no after yet.

The other day my mom and I were talking about my due date. She said that hopefully he won't come on May 12th. Which is the day that Rick passed away. I can't believe it has been almost a year already. So I have decided to take this moment and share a couple of my favorite Rick stories.

I'm not sure how old I was at the time, I'll guess about middle school age. Rick was trying to make something with the hand mixer but it wasn't working properly. In his frustration he got pissed off and screamed, "This worthless piece of shit!!!" Then he threw it out the kitchen window. It was winter time so it was cold and we had snow on the ground. All of us kids thought it was hilarious and started laughing. I don't remember if my mom laughed right away or was too in shock over what just happened. Anyway, so months later my step sister and I were playing in the backyard and were going to fill up water balloons. As we went to the hose we found the hand mixer in the rocks. We then remembered the above incident and became hysterical with laughter. We brought it in the house and everyone was soon dieing of laughing so hard too.

This next one isn't quite as funny but still makes me laugh. We were driving home from somewhere. I think it was just Rick, mom and myself. There was this girl about 12 riding her bike really slow in the middle of the road. Rick of course slowed down. Well she looked back and saw the car but made no effort to get out of the way. She just rode her bike at a snail's pace. Rick then got irritated and drove around her while yelling, "Get out of the road you dumb cunt!!!"
Ahh memories.... And with that I think I'll leave you. Till next time friends.